I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
