I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
