Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
