when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
