I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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