ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
