just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
