you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
