Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
