Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
