Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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