I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
