Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
