Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
