my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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