youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
