My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
