I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
