I want to make a zoo with you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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