Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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