I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
