Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
