Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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