omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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