I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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