so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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