A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
