The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
