I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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