My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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