Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I met the friendliest cop last night
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
