Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
