I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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