I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
