I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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