Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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