awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
