She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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