Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
