If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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