Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
