Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
