I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
