it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
