She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
