listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
