WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
