im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
this is an emotional support booty call
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
