they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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