I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
