i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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