Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
