Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
